Downloading recipe sims mods with an open window while listening to my new cds. Feeling peaceful & content & on top of stuff. Also not to brag my but at my last thriftstore visit i hit the cd JACKPOT. Madonna's You Can Dance which is SO good, the mixes are so seemless & chill & they're of some of my fave madonna songs :D. A Leonard Cohen best-of compilation, Neneh Cherry's Raw Like Sushi & a Talking Heads best-of compilation with little song introductions by other artists in the booklet! That's another thing that i really love about cds are the booklets... miss that element with spotify & streaming sites :(.
UGH i'm making a professional website to have my portfolio on since i refuse to use social media, and making it responsive is my 9/11. AND i want to add a hamburger menu for mobile but all da tutorials use javascript which i don't understand for the life of me D:... At least i'm gonna hang with my partner later which is gonna be so fun :D!
Need whatever Michèle Lamy & Rick Owens got going on. Also a bit of what Amanda Palmer & Neil Gaiman had. They're fr the only celebrity couples i care about. WAIT that's not true i also got a bit of a soft spot for Jordan Peele & Chelsea Peretti that's it everyone else can go rot in their mansions.
In such a weird mood. Feeling... uninspired? Keep consuming media but not really picking up cool ideas, keep getting annoyed at my projects. I got a txt file full of stuff i could do with this site, & some ideas for portfolio stuff, but for one reason or another i neither have the willpower nor the energy. & it all feels so physical, it's like my body is weighing my mind down 😵. Yuck!
Rewatching Sonia Johnson's Going Farther Out of Our Minds from the 80s-90s... Man. & also this part & how she talks about being a woman in academia is so funny and SO REAL.
Thinking 'bout the nature of lolcows, and savant syndrome. The constant fight to be normal, to earn your value as a person. The delusion that hyperselfawareness will save you in the end, will make the people around you see you as one of them. Gnaws at the walls i hate being autistic.
Thinking about gender. Want facial hair. I feel a lot of guilt towards my gender identity the way i classify my gender identify. The only thing i've found that adequately describes it is 'anti-agender'. I am both man, and i am both woman. Being a woman makes me no less of a man. Being a man makes me no less of a woman. I think what i struggle with is in a lot of trans spaces there is the refusal to be like 'the other' (gender wise). But at no point do i feel like my gender is a refusal, or a repulsation of the other. One day i hope to have the right words to explain myself, and the people to hear them out. But it's also tiring to feel the need to have the right words. I present in a way that makes it hard for people to know the way i would like to be referred to, and sometimes i don't want to explain that i am not cis. Sometimes i would just like them to know in a look. But then again, i also enjoy that they don't know. My gender identity can be a secret, not dependant on other peoples perception of me. It can grow in silence, it can have it's own rules. I am a fem man, i am a masc woman. And is that not empowering in it's own way? To know i could live in the woods for 40 years, never speaking to another person and still know my gender as clearly as now? Gender is a social construct, this we know. But i don't think i need the social part to live in my own blissful delusion. Idk. All of these conflicting feelings/wants can be equally true i suppose.
Thinking about Yoko Ono... It breaks my heart that she's still commonly regarded as a 'bad' artist, and the woman who broke up the Beatles :(. I don't blame people for not liking her work (the Fluxus movement as a whole is definitely not to everyone's taste), but the awful things i've seen said about her through the years... She is such an interesting character, with so much work behind her, with so many stories to her name. Did you know her daughter was kidnapped by her exhusband at eight years old, to be raised in a christian cult, and she only saw her 27 years later? I think about that a lot. Most people know she had a son with John Lennon, but no one knows of her daughter. I think about how she has been described as a cold mother. Whatever.
Found Christopher Cozier's Tropical Night series today and i'm so. Wow. First time in a long time where i've just fallen head over heals for a visual artist's work :0. Perfect combination of being on the nose and not naming the subject matter. Also one of those rare series where i don't think it matters which order you're looking at the images from. Incredible color story too... i'm SO inspired :0!!! Also Kara Walker's An Unpeopled Land in Uncharted Waters series... speechless. I love that there's so much art that i can find that will blow my mind, and i will never run out. The internet & the modern era have their problems but as a person who loves media i don't know if i'd want to be born at any other time <3.
Feeling infinitely better today. Thinking about butches... thinking about lesbian women.... sighs dreamily and in a normal way. Learned about Annemarie Schwarzenbach a while back and i've been looking through her extensive library of work, and whenever a photo of Erika Mann or Barbara Hamilton-Wright pops up my heart pangs with this overwhelming feeling of... i can't even describe it. Seeing women who loved women, who were gendernonconforming, 90 years ago... Seeing snapshots of what daily life could look like as a lesbian.... I think it's easy to forget that lesbian life & love was possible back in those days. You can get so hung up on the horrors & the violence and forget the base of it all: the love. The love, which is so potent it shines through photos taken 90 years ago, the people in the moments long dead.
Crimson and Clover - Joan Jetts and the Blackhearts
