HELTER SKELTER

You may have noticed the dead girl on my index page. What's her deal?

tw: eating disorders, and descriptions of an eating disordered mindset. Nothing graphic, and no numbers.

I don't really read manga anymore like i used to, but once a year or so i find myself rereading Helter Skelter by Kyoko Okazaki. The artstyle is no technical marvel, at times the message of the story becomes heavyhanded, & the ending is a minor disappointment (at least to me). But i still come back to it.

An Amazon (yuck) description says this: "Super-model Ririko has been at the top of her game for what seems like an eternity, at least for the modelling world. And now with a new face rising up to challenge her position as the best, she is willing to alter her entire body to maintain her status, even if it means altering her sense of self in the process."
Wikipedia describes it as a psychological horror manga.

The first time i read this story i was in the depths of my eating disorder. As most people with that affliction, i was hunting down thinspo wherever i could find it, which i think is how i found this story in the first place? It was blurry times, so i'm not sure. Lots of watching 90s supermodels strutting down the runways, heroin chic was the only chic i wanted. I was expecting a heavyhanded story about how vanity is dumb, how models are dumb, but most importantly lots and lots of skinny women looking skinny. Did i find that? Sure. But to my surprise i found more. I found vindication.

Here was this woman who was determined, bordering on mania. Willing to kill for the sake of keeping it all up. A woman who screamed, wailed, bit and fought everyone and everything. At no point does she apologize for wanting. She is a beast of want.

There's other people in this story too, sure. The detective pops in from time to time to remind you that a real smart & smug cop is gonna crack the case soon. Ririko's assistant & her boyfriend who are two of the few people in Ririko's life to care for her. Ririko's mother. Ririko's sister. Ririko's sister who made me sick to my stomach and who was just like me, and who i detested and wept for.
But the story is not about them, and these characters know it too. It's about Ririko, and the desire to become Ririko. Through flesh, bolts and guts. Everyone wants to become Ririko, regardless if they say it out loud or not. Even Ririko wants to become Ririko.

There's a double standard to wanting to be skinny, that always bothered me. That everyone wants to be skinny, but no one can ever SAY they want to be skinny. That you're willing to burn yourself until you're charred. For me, the damage was never a footnote that i ignored, it was in plain view. It was a testament to my DEVOTION, to the WILLPOWER i needed to become HOLY. When i wept and burned it was for a greater cause, no, THE greater cause. A body was my religion, and i prayed at it's altar.

The grand moral of the story is that beauty culture is gruesome, and that the fight for beauty is futile. I think? I've read this story so many times, and the meaning changes every time. But it never mattered to me what the moral of the story was. It was only Ririko who mattered. The Ririko who crawled out of the pages to choke me out. Fingers in my throat, bones crunching, no bite.

Eventually i recovered. It took a long time, and a lot of changes. I had to drop a lot of media i had collected, i couldn't watch Amberlynn Reid hate videos anymore, i couldn't obsessively rewatch To the Bone anymore. I had to rebuild my routines, rebuild my worldview. I had to shed my fangs and leave the venom behind me. But i still keep the charred corpse of Ririko in a box somewhere. Not to admire, like she would've wanted. But to honor the woman who lived through the fire; on two shaking, but still standing, legs.